Everything I Know About Marriage

I might be the least qualified person to write about marriage....or maybe not? I married at age 22 after dating my husband for 3.5 years. We were the same age, same ethnic background and same religion. We were divorced 25 years later. I have now been in a committed relationship for 17 years with Don, living together for 4 years.

Here is what I know. Personal problems or problems in the relationship that get ignored, DO NOT GO AWAY! Just because you are not arguing about the issue, does not mean it is resolved. I believe that not arguing means that one or both of the persons is not willing to do the conflict that is needed. In our marriage we ignored depression, panic attacks, emotional immaturity, addiction to work and people pleasing, to name just a few things!

I was afraid that if we faced these issues head on, our relationship would come apart. Guess what? It came apart anyway!

I know that if one of the partners gets emotionally/physically involved with a third party, the chances of divorce increase greatly. I know that an emotional affair is just as dangerous or even more so than a physical affair. One of the partners may be emotionally having an affair but not physically sleeping with another so convincing themselves that it is ok. It isn't. It hurts the marriage and the chances of the marriage surviving.

I know that both parties need to work on themselves. You can not change the other person. I think a big key to marriage is having BOTH parties willing to work on themselves for the sake of the marriage. A wise pastor of ours suggested that we both go to counseling separately and then come together and communicate what we had learned about ourselves and see if we were compatible. It was the hardest work I have ever done. I believe it should be hard. Taking an honest look at yourself and the role you played in the marriage issues is deeply humbling. Blaming the other person is easy.

I know that counseling is not magic. If you go into counseling wanting to prove that your partner is wrong or flawed it will not save the marriage and not help you in the long run. For example, If you married someone who has a bad temper, what you need to look at is why did you choose or allow that? For me, things like rescuing others came into the discussion frequently. My people pleasing/ rescuing behavior became the focus of counseling, not my husbands issues. Unfortunately not all counselors are created equal. A gifted, well trained counselor is truly a gift.

I believe that both parties have got to want to save the marriage. I wish my marriage would have had that chance. I have some wonderful examples in my life of couples who faced big difficulties and went on to better themselves and save their marriages. My partner however had already given up and attached himself to another. I wish we would have done conflict early on and dealt with issues.

I am however thankful for the good memories that I have. I am extremely thankful for the children that we had. I am immensely grateful for what I learned about myself and how to be in relationship with others. I am thankful for the committed relationship that I am now in and being able to use many things that I learned from my marriage break up. (Now, I can make new mistakes :)

Marriage is complicated. Marriage can be wonderful. Marriage can be hard and challenging. Marriages can look so different on different couples. No marriage is perfect. All marriages are a work in progress. Good marriages are one of the greatest gifts in life.