The biggest adjustment to our move might surprise you. It is NOT living in a 2 story townhouse instead of an all one floor condo. It is NOT adjusting to new stores and restaurants. It is NOT adjusting to how to operate new appliances! It IS adjusting to having the opportunity for a social life!
A little history of our social life. When I taught for 11 years, my daily life was chocked full of students, staff and parents. I joined Don for dinner (which he usually made) a couple of times a week.at his house. By the end of the week I was peopled out. I kept up with my parents, sibling, kids and grandkids of course but I had more than enough of a social life. During that time, Don had a golfing buddy that he met once or twice a week for 18 holes of golf which was the perfect amount of social interaction for him.
When I retired rather suddenly during covid I was not prepared for the huge adjustment in the area of my social life. I had not cultivated a nonworking social life. I tried a couple of things but mostly due to covid it just wasn't safe. Don and his friend had stopped golfing due to some health issues for his friend.
I learned something about my partner during covid that I guess I always knew but it was strongly reinforced. Don is a hermit. His best days are when we have nothing scheduled that involves other people. For Don having time with me is enough, he doesn't need anything else.
I on the other hand learned during covid that I NEED other people. I thrive on relationships. I would call myself an ambivert, I love being with others and get energy from those interactions but I also love alone time.
When we moved I suddenly had access to many more social connections. I have kids and grandkids here. I have extended family here. I have people who I knew in college who come back to Grand Rapids to visit and I get to see them. I haven't even begun to reach out to everyone I would like to. On the other hand Don has no connections here and likes it that way.
So what does a couple do? It is harder than I would have guessed. After many little disagreements we needed to figure the social aspect of our life out. I need a social life but I found that springing social plans on Don did not work even though they weren't plans for him. With a little warning, Don handles my social plans well. This is an adjustment for me since I have to learn to be more intentional with my social plans. I now try and plan at least a few days ahead. I have had to say "no" a few times to last minute social opportunities (which just about kills me). I have found an advantage to being intentional with my social life and that is I can schedule some of my own projects and they don't get interrupted because I will more than likely turn down an unexpected social opportunity. Having said this however, Don and I both agree that there are times when I/we need to take advantage of a social opportunity when it presents itself. It is a bit messy and complicated sometimes!
I also try and schedule just a couple of social things in a week for myself. I schedule something with Don also. Don loves good food so trying a new restaurant is always a win. Don also loves the woods so getting out in nature is his happy place. I want Don to know that my time with him is important too, not just the left over time when i don't have plans with others.
If I want to make a social plan for both of us I need to involve Don in the planning. He needs advance warning. He needs to know what to expect from a social commitment. I need to pick and choose carefully because he gets his fill quickly. Some things (like Christmas with the kids) are a must. Other things are "a "would like". It is important for me to remember the difference.
It is a work in progress and I think it will always be! Some weeks we will get it right for both of us and many times it will be skewed toward one of us. I think it is important to leave room for both of us to be who we are. Some compromise is needed on both sides. We try and keep a sense of humor.
Don is 17 years older than I am. I am once again facing breast cancer. No one knows how long they have in this world. I want to appreciate our time as a couple while also being true to myself and my love of my "people"! It is worth working at!
Comments